Awkward

Every Saturday morning, V and I take a nice long walk while we let M sleep in as he always works super late on Friday nights.

This Saturday morning was extremely lovely, the weather was perfect for a stroll and it is a perfect time for contemplation.

What started me thinking was the person that was approaching me. For some reason I always feel uncomfortable when the sidewalks are empty except for that one person heading towards you.
So I started feeling uncomfortable, more uncomfortable as he got closer and closer and then he said............. "Morning!" in a bright and cheery voice.

I responded in a more subdued manner with "Morning", My eyes glanced up at his face, made quick contact and slid away...

What is wrong with me?

I can't even say 'Good Morning' to a pleasant person out on a stroll just like me? Am I so paranoid?

So I had to ponder this for the rest of the walk.

I have this feeling it comes across as snobby. I mean, I know it did in high school (or at least I remember one person telling me that in grade 12, much to my dismay as I was anything and am anything but).

I just can be slightly socially awkward. Oh and say inappropriate things.... sometimes it seems like I have no control over my mouth, things come out (and I think....'oh, I shouldn't have said that'... but it's already out there....). So maybe instead of saying 'slightly' socially awkward, I should just say socially awkward. All the way baby....

It takes me quite a while to relax and feel comfortable with you. You being you in the actual real world, in-person that is. I think I come across a little different via email. I know I can be way more verbose and quick-witted. And eloquent. It is easy when you can erase or delete that last sentence and write it again before you send it.

I have no control over it really, and envy people that are easily chatty. And have tons of friends. I have tried to change it, but to no avail. I think it's here to stay, as much as I try to change it. And happily M gets it, and always has....

Red Hot

I had this random image come to mind of when I went to a Christian private school when I was little.
Now where I seriously got that tube of hot pink Wet N'Wild lipstick, I will never know. I wasn't much for makeup when I was little. Fascinated by it, yes..... but any good at putting it on or really knowing what to do with it at all... not so much...

I remember putting on one coat and thinking it didn't look that great. But.... having never really put lipstick on before, I wasn't sure. So I put another layer on...... and then another..... and then one more. I swear there must have been about half a centimeter caked onto my lips. And then (and only then) I thought it looked pretty awesome. Please keep in mind the braces and glasses and way too short curly hair. Oh, and the awkwardness... keep that in mind too.

Flash forward about 10 years....

What a wonderful phase I went through in my last few years of high school. I made my own bell bottoms (with fabric scraps from my mum's sewing basket). I wore army boots that I hand painted with flowers.... I believe I had a watch safety-pinned to one of those boots too. I always carried around a plastic butter knife.

I took my black eyeliner and used it to carefully outline my lips and then fill them in. I think this was pre-black lipstick. Or you could buy it, but only at Halloween.... I don't quite remember why I decided to use eyeliner.

And then I had to take the bus. I was definitely wearing fishnets with my army boots. And some kind of gauzy, floaty dress with something I had hand tie-died over top.... Clearly my black lipstick was a little over-the-top for my small town's commuters...

And flash forward another 10 years...

How I long for a good lipstick..... I am stuck in a Burt's Bees rut (not that that is a bad place to be..... I just long for some bright red lips, or some warm raspberry lips). I am a little less brave than I used to be. Or more intimidated by the make-up counter than I should be. Or something like that...